


Only Angels Turned Mortal Can What?!

by Glimare



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: An inevitable conclusion, Biblical References, Crack, F/M, Fluff, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:14:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22927015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glimare/pseuds/Glimare
Summary: A playful discussion in bed leads to a life-changing realization.
Relationships: Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Comments: 13
Kudos: 161





	Only Angels Turned Mortal Can What?!

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, should be working on another fic, but this was a thought that cracked me up! Some personal religious beliefs are snuck in too along with a few legends I heard growing up and online. Then there's crack and totally off the wall 'I needed a name drop' stuff, so not everything is accurate. In fact, most isn't. Just for fun. Enjoy!

“Seriously?”

“Seriously!”

Chloe giggled, nearly splashing the wine she held near her head. Maybe she shouldn’t be drinking it while giggling at Lucifer’s stories. Naked. In his bed.

They were adults, Dan had Trixie, and tomorrow/today was their day off. Lay off.

Pft. Lay…

But seriously, the fallen angel’s stories were hysterical!

“So, your dad, would turn your siblings into humans for a few decades?”

“Yep!” Lucifer lounged in bed next to her, gleefully sharing all the little secrets of the universe and every personal part he had in it. The bible wasn’t exactly wrong, you know. It was just simplified for mortal understanding and then put into human hands to translate, interpret, and put together. A lot was lost and a lot modified. Revelations was put all out of order, extra heavy on the symbolism, and the book of Job wasn’t so much scripture as it was fairy tale. And don’t even get him started on the Apocrypha.

But these stories, these things no one could know without a line to angels and Dad himself, were all free game. He poured himself another glass, grinning. “Michael was the first. And by first I mean _the_ first. First man and everything. Gave the prick a split personality. Can’t blame Eve for wanting to leave that nut job. In what little moments I met him as Adam, he had no idea we were brothers and he tried to kill me before Dad told him to just shove me to Hell. Still no sense of humor though.”

“Cain take after him?” Chloe raised her glass, remembering her ex and trying to remember if he ever talked about his parents.

“A little. Now I think of it.” Lucifer nodded slightly, trying to keep things light. Play it off as a memory on behavior prior to those last few months when the first murderer became unbearable. “Seth though took after him so much, it was like he was cloned. Only way he wasn’t was how completely mortal he was.”

“So… how did Adam die if he was really an angel?” And Michael of all of them. Lucifer had no kind words for him.

“You mean, the first funeral?” She nodded and he smirked. “There wasn’t really one for him. Dad just… plucked him out of the mortal sphere and restored his memories and status. Eve died, but clearly could come back. Still have no idea how she did it.”

“We’ll have to ask her when she pops up again.” Lucifer ‘hmmm’ed an agreement, making Chloe giggle again. Then a thought struck her. “Lucifer! You slept with your brother’s WIFE!”

He grinned. “Technically, Dad hadn’t gotten around to inventing marriage yet the first time around. And it wouldn’t be the first time.”

“Oh my gosh...”

“Lilith was quite a tiger in bed.”

“LUCIFER!”

Watching Chloe turn red just made him laugh as he took a sip of his drink. His brother was as boring as a garden in winter; he did those ladies a favor. “Worth it. The look on Michael’s face when he got his memories back and realized what I’d done is one of my all-time favorite memories. Swore I’d get him back for kicking me to the curb, and I did.”

“You used two women to get back at your brother!” She kicked him lightly, shaking her head in both amusement and disgust.

“Lilith knew exactly what she wanted and was all for it when I explained things to her,” he waved off. “We had a mutually beneficial arrangement. She’s something like a queen in Hell now, and though the place isn’t so great, she has free reign to do as she pleases. Adam and she really didn’t get along.

“Eve… on the other hand…” He looked away, slightly ashamed. “I’ll apologize to properly when she next comes around. But do keep in mind, she had to deal with Adam _and_ Michael. For _thousands_ of years. Poor girl never really got to have fun, being the mother of humanity and then being stuck in the Silver City.”

“Is it really that bad?”

Lucifer shrugged. “For me, yes, but you’ll have much better company than I did. Probably just right for you.”

“Not if you’re not there with me.”

A somewhat awkward silence warmed the air between them, getting both to blush and smile at the idea. Yet a small sting of sadness entered it as well. ‘To death do us part’ was quite literal for them, even though they weren’t likely to wed.

Lucifer looked away, forcing himself to recover and return to subject. “Anyway, Michael wasn’t the only Angel-turned-Human. There’s another famous match-up you should know about, and he was just as vital for humanity.”

“Who?” Curiosity brought a smile back to Chloe’s face, calming her blush a little.

“Noah. That guy, the inventor of wine and getting plastered,” he grinned impishly, “was my little brother Gabriel.”

Her jaw dropped. Noah was Gabriel? And he invented wine? “Now I know you’re pulling my leg.”

“Only if you insist.” His grin widened somehow. “But really, the guy who made a floating petting zoo is also the one who told prophets and virgins Dad’s messages. Less of a prick than Michael, but just as bold. Had to be for all the trouble I caused him.”

“Oh, so you did have something to do with it.” Chloe took a drink, eyeing her partner. She knew he loved pranks. What kind of prank did he pull on the messenger angel when he was human?

Lucifer shrugged. “I… may have seduced his daughter to the dark side. Didn’t sleep with her,” he added quickly, “nor his sons. Nieces and nephews three generations back are not for sex. Even if said sibling is mortal at the time.”

“That’s good to hear.”

“But I did introduce her to a few charming young ladies and their pet bear.” He watched her jaw drop again and he grinned. “Though I never found the appeal of sleeping with beasts, it was quite the fad back then. One reason Dad was so angry back then.

“Sadly, I wasn’t able to see much more than the framework of the aquatic zoo before Amenadiel dragged be back below. The next time I saw my bro was after the flood and he was drunk as a skunk in a bunk. Flat out on the beach, naked as the day he was created, and desperate to forget everything before the flood.”

“Did you sleep with his wife too?” She tried to make it sarcastic as if it didn’t matter. But it kind of did.

Lucifer shook his head. “Wasn’t interested in her. Quite frumpy. Gabriel always had interesting tastes. His daughters-in-law on the other hand…”

“Oh dear…”

“Egyptus was very flexible and quite charming.”

“Okay, that’s enough of that.” Chloe threw up a hand to stop him, quite done hearing about his many past lovers just to tick off someone else. She long accepted the fact he slept with more people than the current world population and she could hear any of those exploits whenever she wanted, or he felt like it, but it didn’t mean she had to. Mostly, she just took pride in she was the only person he actually loved and would do anything for. Billions of lovers and sex friends over the eons, only one he did not want t olive without.

“So how did he die? Plucked up too?”

“Almost. From what I know, Noah died, they had a funeral, leaving his body in the ark, and then Gabriel woke up to all his ‘glory’ the moment they left. Less plucking and more, ‘WHAM BAM! YOU’RE AN ANGEL AGAIN!’”

She giggled at his dramatization. What a dork! “Any others?”

“Oh, loads.” Lucifer topped off her drink and then his own. “But none who made a historical or biblical impact like they did. At least, not among people in the know. Raphel was one of Charlemagne's trusted doctors and knights. Never could decide if he was a guardian or a healer. I believe he had sixteen spawn between his three wives. Half of them died, including two of the wives, before he did. Jophiel was a tribal leader, had a small brood of his own, and his wife was Ariel! Our sister! Must have been really awkward after they regained their immortal status. Cassiel had many bouts of humanity, but all short and awkward from what I hear. More like ‘time outs’ than whatever Dad was doing with the others. Amenadiel could tell you more about the others. I only ran into those lot during my short trips here.”

“And then he became mortal and had a kid of his own with Linda.” Something started nagging at the edge of Chloe’s mind, a thought starting to grow steadily.

Lucifer took a sip and nodded. “First one to do it and know he was an angel at the time, from what I can tell. Didn’t know fallen angels could procreate at all. Angels and humans mating and producing offspring would not be possible normally. Yes, people hear stories of Nephilim, but they’re just trying to explain legends of great warriors or giants or other kinds of monsters to scare people into submission. There never were any. The immortal and mortal cannot mix in that fashion.”

“So an angel has to be mortal to have a kid.” The idea grew even larger.

He nodded and shrugged. “Seems it.”

“Lucifer,” Chloe started, all humor gone as the idea came together, “I make you mortal.”

He stopped, starting to get the same idea.

“We’ve been having a lot of sex lately.”

Slowly he looked up to where she sat, his face going white. Her hands shook a little bit as she put the final piece in place.

“Sex makes babies.”

“Oh no…”

Twenty minutes later, Chloe thrust two white sticks with lines and pluses on them out the bathroom door to a very nervous devil. There were still five more tests he grabbed at the store waiting for him to receive but these were already positives. Lucifer took them, gaped, and had to grab the wall for support.

He took a moment in silence to steady himself.

Then glared at the ceiling.

“ _ **DAAAD!**_ ”

END

**Author's Note:**

> I regret nothing.  
> But it is biblically canon that after the flood, Noah became a drunk. the accredited invention of wine can be traced to Noah wanting to forget all the crap he went through. I think there was even a part of the story where his sons found him drunk, passed out, and naked and two of them turned away while the third took care of him in his hour of need. it's the little things that make all the difference.  
> Hope you liked! ^^V


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